I’m Fine

When I get angry, I feel instant regret… I know what is going to happen, but the fear of the unexpected overwhelms me. Anger is one letter away from danger and that scares me. The fear of doing or saying something that I can never take back is immense.

Count to ten, take deep breaths, walk away. I’ve tried it all. It doesn’t stop the anger and it doesn’t reduce my fears of hurting the ones I love – emotionally or potentially physically.

Anger is a mask… it can cover up feelings like fear, frustration, hurt, stress or powerlessness. It’s a way of dealing with a situation that I haven’t processed the real feelings behind.

Hate is a strong word, however I hate who I become, I hate how easy it is to become angry, but the thing I hate the most is hiding my emotions and the feeling of regret when I explode.

Perhaps it’s the fact my mother chose drugs and an abusive man over her own children, perhaps it’s because my father doesn’t feel the need to pick up the phone, perhaps it’s the fact that strangers feel the need to make unnecessary comments, perhaps it’s my own thoughts taking over. Or perhaps it’s my way of dealing with things.

I have a bad tendency to bottle everything up so I don’t burden anyone else, but my biggest fear is losing control and hurting someone I love and care about. I just feel so angry all the time. I get myself through it day-by-day, but I always have these moments where I suffocate myself under my thoughts., even thoughts that I don’t know anything about.